What provokes me to do this, you ask? I, like many women, am getting “bikini ready.” This undoubtedly gives me SEVERAL months to prepare, seeing as to how I live in the freezer section of our country, and it won’t reach a measly 70 degrees before the next Halley’s Comet swings around – and by God, when it does, I will NOT be wearing a one-piece.
“The Fitness Center” (as I like to call the tiny workout room I have access to in the creepy basement of the luxury apartment building across the street) is perfect for a little privacy to get a good workout.
On one of my recent excursions, I was greeted by several old US Weekly magazines someone must have donated to the workout room. Always a sucker for an intellectual read on the treadmill, I picked up one that looked juicy and flipped open to a random page.
There staring me in the face was a full-page spread called “Hot Mamas.” It was a montage of separate pictures of Helen Hunt, Mel B. (a.k.a. Scary Spice), and Sarah McLachlan all at the beach in bikinis. US Weekly was praising these lovely ladies’ bodies for looking fabulous after having children.
I get it. They gave birth to babies and still look great – BRAVO I say! But do you know what a kick in the shin splints that is for the rest of the women in the country, including me? People who are busting their booties every day on the treadmill and don’t look like that in a bikini without having had kids?
Let me let you in on a little secret; two of the three women featured in the article are heavily rumored to have had plastic surgery! So, you’re telling me I don’t have to run until my blisters get blisters? My ears need not bleed by the time I reach mile four? I can simply pop out a child, get a tummy tuck and a breast lift, and I will be hailed a hero? PHEW!! Thank you, Hollywood, for clearing that up!
Next time, show us some REAL hot mamas, US Weekly, and I will gladly hobble through that extra mile on the treadmill – blisters and all.
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Wow! What a wonderfully crafted, and extremely witty post. Keep up the great work…
Ok, I have to say, YOU GO GIRL!!! I'm so sick of seeing celebrities getting the all "hail to the queen" after they have a baby. I like what Salma Hayek said, "Nursing doesn't take the pounds off, not eating while nursing takes the pounds off. Oh, and some plastic surgery helps too." I added that last part in. He he he. Keep up the good workout and be patient. I used to lead PT for over 100 people in the military. I would tell the women that wanted to get "bikini ready" to find an activity they love doing, my example was playing soccer and snowboarding, and do that. You won't even know you're working out. The treadmill and elliptical are legal forms of self mutilation. Only use them as a last resort possible.